The Limits of Knowing Another Person

In Love's Executioner, Dr. Irvin Yalom, presents a collection of stories about several psychotherapy patients. Dr. Yalom uses one of the stories to explain why we are limited in our ability to fully know another person.

First, there is "the barrier between image and language". Our minds think in images but we must convert images into words when we try to communicate our thoughts and feelings to another. Unfortunately, words rarely suffice because they are "feeble approximations of the rich images that once coursed through [our minds]."

Second, we are "selective about what we choose to disclose" to others. We may feel that we have been completley honest and open while subconsiously hiding relevant facts. Third, the information concerning our mental images and feelings is often lost in translation because the use of language makes it "wildly improbable that the images formed by a recipient will match the sender's original image." Moroever, when we recieve information, it is filtered through our own biases. We "distort others by forcing them into our own ideas" and when we see a "face it is our own idea of that person that we recognize.

Finally, it is impossible to fully know another person because each individual is an intricate and complex being. Many people believe that if "given enough information, they can define and explain a person." Dr. Yalom cautions that in our society, "there is increasing pressure fom hospitals, insurance companies and the governmental agencies to sum up a person in a diagnostic phrase or numerical catagory." However, trying to lump people into catagories is futile and harmful because when "we relate to people believing that we can catagorize them" we end up ignoring their "vital parts" that "transcend catagory." Consequently, a healthy relationship must be be "based on the assumption that the other person is never fully knowable."

Similarly, if we want to create a healthier society we must acknowledge the complexity and intricacy of each individual and accept that we can never fully know (and control) someone else. Although this approach is complicated and frustrating, it is worthwile because it is based on an honest view of human nature and will allow for individual growth.